Long time no blogging

Hey everyone out there in the blogging world. I haven’t posted anything in a long time. Life has gotten pretty busy lately. Me and S have butted heads a few times, which has made work extra hard. I am once again in search of a new daycare for my son. Its a very long story, but basically my son has come home with bite marks and a chuck missing from his nose and she can’t tell me how it happened. Also my son has some sensory issues and she isn’t willing to work with him. I have found some ways to help him while he is there but it has been tough, since she won’t help. This morning my son cried in protest about going to her house. I felt so bad, but I didn’t have another place to take him. He ended up having a good day but I just felt so bad. I really need to find another place soon or my son is really going to have a fit.  So wish me luck. I hope to try and post more often.

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Something needs to change

I have been so depressed lately that I have ignored my friends, my family, social media, this blog and other important things. I really need to think strongly about taking medication for my depression.
I ignored life so much that I even had my power shut off because I forgot to pay the bill. I did pay the bill and the power is back on. I had to swallow my pride and sleep at my parents house, even thou it was just one night it was terrible. My son didn’t want to go to sleep And my mom was pissed at me. She had a right to be. Things are better between us now bit still rocky.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to discuss my depression medication. I’m not even sure what I am going to say. I know I should be honest and tell her I am not taking them and find ways to fix that but I know I won’t.

Time flies when your having fun

Wow I’m doing a good job at neglecting blog. I have been so busy I haven’t had time to post anything.
Yesterday was not a good day however. I returned home after a long day a work to find power Had been shut off. How can this be? I paid the bill. Since the power company was closed there was nothing I could do. I called my parents and they said come on over and you can stay with us. So I crammed clothes for and my son in a bag and it was off to my parents house.
I arrive and my my starts giving me the third degree. What happened? Are you sure you paid the bill? Don’t lie to me. The power got shut off and yes I paid the bill and I am not lying to you.
We ate dinner in silence and then I gave my son a bath and tried to put him to bed. No luck. My son did not want to go sleep. The problem, he had to sleep in the same bed as me and something different than his room. After struggling for about an hour my son finally fell asleep and so did I.
I wake up this morning and my mom is still really mad me. I make it through the morning routine and get to work. On my break I called the power company and asked my power had been shut off. I paid my bill. Dafter a few minutes it turns out that when I paid it online the payment didn’t go through. They fixed the problem and said my power will be turned back on today sometime between 1-5pm. I had better have power when I get home. I refuse to stay with my parents all weekend. Well I hope every one has a great weekend. Wish me luck.

A person who listens

For the past few weeks my mom and I have been going to counciling together. At first I didn’t really want to go. But I figured it couldn’t hurt so I went any way.
Truth be told my mom and I don’t really see eye on a lot of things. I tend to be a little more open and she tends not to be. Anyway, we go and meet this lady who’s name is A and A is a fairly nice women and has some pretty good ideas.
I have to mention that for some reason when I am around my mom I tend to act differently and say different things then when I’m not around her. I don’t know why I have always done it.
Ok back to what I was saying. So we are siting in A’s office on a slightly lumpy couch, me on one end and my mom in the other. A is siting across of us in an office chair and on one dude of the room there is a sand tray and little figures all lined up on a shelve. I am listening to A but my is wondering about the little figures and the sand. a must gave been reading my mind because she saids the figures are for sand traying. She goes on to explain that sand traying is a way to express yourself through sand and the figures are there to express how you are feeling in the moment.
A asked if we want to sand tray. My mom is all for it and I’m not quite sure. I get up and start looking at the figures. There are so many it takes me a few minutes to look at all them. Meanwhile, my mom quickly picks out two figures and puts in the sand. I stand there for a few more minutes and decide I’m going to pass and sit down. My mom continues placing figures and then sits down.
A starts talking again about the figures my mom has picked and I’m listening but soon realize I am not paying attention again. Damn it. I quickly stop day dreaming and pay attention just in time to hear A say times up.
I leave her office and go back work. Still thinking about the sand and figures. Maybe next time I will pick a figure to place in the sand.

Just a rant

Wow I haven’t posted in a few days. Lots has been going on and I have too busy to post. I have also been sick for a few days and had t miss some work. I am feeling better now and hope to return to work on Monday. But if I am being honest and I want to be honest. I have just been too depressed to post anything. I know I know lets not have a pity party. I will try not to complain. Oh and my life just hasn’t been that interesting lately. Not to say that my life is interesting all the time, oh heavens no, but usually not this bad. Right now my favorite band is in Jamaica holding a fan club members only 4 day event and I really wish I had gone. I could use some sunshine. This rain and wind is really starting to effect me. Hopefully the weather gets better and my mood will get better. As for now I will just put on my big girl panties and deal with it. Sorry for being so depressing, but I needed to get it all out. All done. Well, I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend. Until next time…

Can you feel the tension?

I can I can. Tension is exactly what I felt when I walked into work today. My manager aka my mom was only talking to me because she had to. But I could tell she was still mad at me for what happened yesterday.
The other co worker who was standing there when me and S got into it barely spoke to me and only did so because she had to. But on the other hand I don’t think she likes me any way, but that is another story for another post.
Oh and did I mention that I am the only one that can answer the phones today. No, well let me tell you about that. There are four of us that sit up front and answer the phones and make appointments, check patients in and whatever else has to be done. It’s a small office so there are three desks near the entrance and one desk behind them. The three near the entrance not only answer the phones but check people in. The person behind is the one that answers most of the phone calls when the other three are checking patients in. Well I happen to sit in the back desk, so I answer a lot of phone calls usually not a big deal. But lately the thing to do is to let the phone ring until I answer it even if I am not sitting at my desk. The other three ladies will literally stare at the phone and then look at me like aren’t you going to answer that? It really gets on my nerves.
Anyway, the tension continued all day. And I still didn’t feel good from yesterday. I didn’t say much but I did go home at lunch and rest and then I ended going home early because I wasn’t feeling any better. So glad I have tomorrow off. I really need another job. This one is driving me crazy.

Another stab in the back

S has done it again. Yesterday at work was so beyond crazy I can’t even think of a better word. We were down a person and the manager aka my mom stepped in to help us answer the phones. Everything was going ok considering how crazy it was. Until little miss S had to “break the camels back” sorta speak.

It was right after lunch and I come back to her on the phone with a patient I had called previous. She was letting them know something that I had already told them. I waited until she was done on the phone and I said “S I already called and let them know that.” “Oh I know I just got a phone number and decided to call them again.” “OK” I said. I was totally confused by her answer but I let it go. Then S went to lunch and I was stuck with the manager aka my mom for an hour and she was all mad at me for getting mad at S. I wasn’t mad at S I just didn’t think the patient needed to know the same information twice. My manager aka my mom didn’t understand that and continued to be mad at me for the rest of the day.

Then to top it all off about an hour before closing time I started to get a really bad headache. I took some advil and went about my business. About half an hour later I feel the urge to throw up. I run to the bathroom and continue to look at the inside of the toilet. I didn’t really feel any better but knew I couldn’t go home. I went back to my desk and tried to work. No such luck. I ran back to the bathroom and looked at the inside of the toilet again. Finally I told my manager aka my mom that I had to go home. She told me to go lie down in the back and call someone to pick up my son my daycare. I go and lay down and I call Grandpa, who goes to pick up my son. I lie down for about ten minutes and head home. I get home and lie down. I went to bed at 7:30 and didn’t get up until my alarm went off. I feel much better today and hope nothing else goes wrong.

Depression hurts

I need to be honest and since this is my big it’s ok. I suffer from depression and while I have pills to help treat I just can’t take them.
Stupid right? It’s just one pill. Big deal. Well it is a big deal. The pill changes me and I don’t like it. The effect does take about a month to set in but I get this really weird sensation that I just can’t explain. It’s almost like having that pit in your stomach feeling all the time. I tried to ignore it and tell myself it’s normal and it’s ok. I need to change but in the end I just stopped taking them. I couldn’t handle the feeling. Anybody know what I am talking about?
And what’s worse is that I lie to my mom and my entire family. I tell them I take the pills and try to act like some one who is taking them. What the fuck was I thinking when I decided that was a good idea? I know it’s wrong to lie bit I don’t know what to do. I am letting this disease control my life. I’m just not sure how to change that.

Time for a change

It’s time to find another job. I can’t take the double standards and the pettyness of my coworkers. I have only worked at my current job for a little over year and it has been a battle ever since then. I started just doing medical records once or twice a week, which was great because I didn’t have to deal with all the drama from the people answering the phones. I did the medical records for about 6 months when the business manager, my mom asked me if I wanted to move up into the front office and answer phones, which meant more money and more hours. I need more money so I said sure. At first everything was fine. I did my work and had fun doing it.

Then one day something went wrong. I honestly can’t remember what happened but it turned into a huge mess between me and my coworker S. There was many meetings between me,S and the doctors to try and figure out a solution to the problem. I don’t think we ever figure it out but some how we managed to move on. There has been tension between us that gets thicker and thicker every day.

I used to love going to work and now I hate it. I have started looking for a new job but living in such a small town it is really hard to find another job. People tend to work at their jobs for a long time because it hard to find something else unless you want to work retail or fast food, which I don’t want to do ever again. I hope to find a new job soon before I snap. Cuz if I snap I will get fired for sure. Wish me luck.

Who am I and Why am I here?

It’s time for an introduction. Lets get to know each other. I will start. I am a single mother of a three almost four year old boy. He is what makes my day interesting. I work at a medical office answering phones and my mother is my boss, which makes for some good stories. Those will come later.

I was married once to my son’s father for almost two years and then things fell apart. I tried to fix things but he was interested. We were living in Southern California at the time, we are both from Washington State, so I moved home and since he was in the marines at the time he still had 3 months left of his contract before he could leave. When he left the Marines I told him I wanted a divorce and several months later we were divorced. I remember crying and laughing at the same time. I happy because the marriage was over but sad because it was over. I still wish things had been different but I wasn’t about to live a life where I wasn’t going to be happy.

My son and I live in a small town,with grandparents close by and we like here. I grew up in the same small town, and I figured it was a good place to raise my son. My son is developmentally challenged. He is behind on speech, motor skills and other skills for which “normal” developmental three year old’s take for granted. He attends a developmental preschool to help him with his speech,motor skills and other skills. He has come along ways but still has so much longer to go.

When my son was really little was also very sick. He was born a month early and spent two weeks in the NICU,it might have only been two weeks but it might as well have been two months. It felt like forever. He was only out of hospital for a short time before he had to return, due to GERD . He spent a week then. After that my son continued to have several medical problems. He is doing much better now but every time he gets sick I worry its something else and freak out. We are both learning to be better at not freaking out.

Now to the why am I here part. I started this blog to be able to share stories, ideas and random thoughts with people. I also want to be able to connect with people and maybe make some friends. Some things I may write about may range from stories about my son, stories about work or just random thoughts that pop into my head. I write whenever inspiration sparks. I hope you will stick around for the ride.